He is always right,” says Matthew, age 25. “We always have to do things his way. Not even my mother can voice any kind of opinion. I’ve had enough.”
When I met Matthew’s father, his initial comment was, “You will see right away that my son and my wife have problems.”
At that point, I was the best psychologist and coach. However, when I started to say that maybe he was part of a problematic dynamic, and when I challenged him and asked him what he could improve, he immediately classified me as incompetent.
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Unquestionably, I was dealing with a real narcissist. A narcissist lives most of his life in a world of fantasy. His behaviour is grandiose. He needs to be admired and often is not well liked.
Narcissism has also been called the god complex. As a joke, I often tell my audience that someone suffers from the god complex when he wakes up and says, “OK God, you can go back and rest, I am awake now.”
A god complex is an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflated feelings of personal ability, privilege, or infallibility. Such a person will usually refuse to admit and may even deny the possibility of their error or failure, even in the face of complex or evident problems or impossible tasks. Most of the time, they regard their personal opinions as unquestionably correct, rejecting even the brightest advice.
To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a person must meet five or more of the following criteria. A narcissist:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. he expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
- Is overwhelmed by fantasies of unlimited success, power, splendour, beauty or ideal love;
- Thinks he is “special” and can only be recognized or understood by special individuals;
- Has a very strong sense of entitlement, (e.g. unreasonable expectations of automatic compliance with his or her expectations);
- Has an excessive need to be admired;
- Thinks he is “owed”;
- Exploits others in his interpersonal relationships;
- Frequently envies others and thinks others envy him;
- Is arrogant and haughty in his attitude and behaviour.
Narcissists come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees. Certainly, we all have a certain level of narcissism. In fact, a degree of narcissism is healthy and useful for success. The problem occurs when the level of narcissism is too high.
Why does a high level of narcissism put the long-term success of the business at risk?
- Any relationship involving two or more people requires empathy, listening to the needs and expectations of the others (something that is almost non-existent with a narcissist);
- He doesn’t listen to others, take their advice or accept criticism (because he is perfect!);
- He crushes, manipulates and uses others (which wears down the relationship);
- His need for prestige, success and power are so strong, he will sometimes make decisions that are completely illogical (i.e. disproportionate purchases or investments);
- He creates a climate of terror, despair or apathy among his colleagues;
- In the long run, others will abandon him (family, partners, employees) because he is impossible to live with.
Narcissism is a mental health disorder, and narcissists can be found just about everywhere (they’re about one per cent of the population). One per cent may not sound like a big deal but for the higher-ups in hierarchies (CEOs, professional leaders, bosses), the numbers could reach up to 10 per cent for the full disorder. Even more business leaders have important traits of “the god syndrome.” It’s likely that the disorder could explain many poor results in business (bad decisions, turnover, burnout, and bankruptcy). Many authors have looked at the failure of big companies through the lens of narcissism.
Is there a cure?
This is a disorder that requires very prolonged treatment, and even then, there is very little improvement. Strong narcissists rarely seek help unless they have lost everything. Otherwise, why would they seek help? After all, they are convinced that the problem is with others and that they are God.
What can you do if you live with or are associated with a narcissist?
Unfortunately, living with a narcissist is like dying a little every day. It means accepting the put-downs and being at his service your whole life. The only way to protect yourself is to respect yourself, to set limits, and to assert yourself despite the potential consequences.
If you live with, are associated with, or work for a narcissist, you have to think about survival. Professional help can help.
