We all like to know the answer, so when a farm discussion comes up and it’s obvious that a family member, employee or partner is struggling, it feels good to help, especially if the solution seems clever or obvious to us.
But if you value those relationships and if you value your reputation, the experts warn that we should think twice before opening our mouths.
Giving unsolicited advice can be an inter-personal minefield, warns Dr. Elizabeth Scott, wellness coach and author of, 8 Keys to Stress Management.
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Before offering advice, Scott recommends exploring whether the other person actually wants it or if what they’re looking for is just a sympathetic ear and maybe some friendly support. You can even ask them outright, which means in a backhanded sort of way that you’re giving them your first bit of great advice.
They should know what they want and they should be prepared to say it.
Before we start sharing about a challenge they’re facing, all of us should ask ourselves what we are really after, continues Scott. “Sometimes people don’t consider what kind of response they would like.”
The payoff is that this makes us think about whether we want informational support (such as brainstorming solutions) or if, instead, we’re taking a break to get some friendly encouragement or to lend a helping hand for just a minute. Or do we want someone to take over?
It’s good advice to remember, Scott says. Before we start spilling about our troubles, we better be clear about what kinds of answers we would like, and what kinds we wouldn’t.
Dr. Nita Chhinzer, an associate professor in human resources management at the University of Guelph, says once you start paying attention, you’ll be surprised how many times a person just wants us to listen.
But it’s also good advice to recognize that you can help even if that is true. “In this case, you can ask probing questions to help them with sense-making, or just listen quietly,” Chhinzer says. Giving them some of your attention is also giving them an invitation to articulate their challenge, which can be useful on its own.
Also remember that your intentions don’t really matter. We may mean well when we offer advice, even when it isn’t asked for, but this can backfire. “It doesn’t always feel helpful for the other person,” agrees Scott.
For starters, it can come across as a veiled form of criticism. “We are telling people what we think they should do, which risks sounding like we think they are currently handling things all wrong.”
And it can feel that the advice-giver is annoying. They’re trying to be the wise person with “the right answer” when the reality is that the other person just wants some support while they work out their own solution, continues Scott.
Chhinzer agrees. “Unsolicited advice gets interpreted as the advisor implying the recipient is not capable of making good decisions or adequately completing the work,” she says. This hurts confidence and self-esteem and makes people feel like they are being micromanaged.
The research is clear, she says. Not only is it off-putting, it’s also counterproductive. When people offer us unsolicited advice, even if they are our friends, we are less likely to believe they have our best interests at heart.
But it takes judgment. For example, a clear exception is when the situation could be harmful or unsafe. In such cases, do speak up. Let them see you are concerned and that you feel it may be time to bring in other resources.
Between the generations
Asking for permission before sharing advice can be especially helpful during the farm transition process, says Elaine Froese, farm family coach based at Boissevain, Man.
Froese cites her experience with a farm business where the father actually asks the successor, who is his son, if he wants advice before he gives it.
On this farm, the father might say: “I’m curious, it seems to me that you’re struggling and might want other options. Do you want me to help you create solutions?”
Froese explains this gives the son the opportunity to say when he prefers to do it alone. “I think that’s a healthy approach to advice-giving,” she says.
And, says Froese, “It goes both ways.” In other words, she also likes to see the younger generation extend similar respect and appreciation to the senior generation.
Respect the ‘No’
Chilliwack, B.C. psychologist and performance management consultant Pam Paquet says this mean it’s also important to respect the “No” if the person isn’t receptive to receiving advice.
But do keep the door ajar. Let the person know that you will be available to discuss the matter later on if they change their mind. “It may be a timing thing,” she says.
When it comes to our adult kids, sharing our experience in the form of a story may be more welcome, she continues. “You can ask, ‘do you want to hear what happened to me when I was your age?’ Or ‘do you want to hear about the problem Bob’s son had with his credit card?’”
Larry Martin, an instructor with the Canadian Total Excellence in Agricultural Management (CTEAM) program, has seen another successful approach to advice-giving during a farm transfer. He says the father set the expectations but then refrained from commenting unless asked. “The father didn’t tell the younger generation how to do it but was available for advice when asked for it.”
The manager’s challenge
Managers should also tread carefully, Chhinzer warns. While a core component of the manager’s job is to give advice, she advises against straying into personal matters
“If the topic is about home, social, personal or other issues, you won’t understand the more nuanced or unique aspects of the context,” she says.
When the problem isn’t work-related, she says, the best approach is simply to ask questions to help the person think about the issue and then let them arrive at the answer themselves.
Martin also likes the approach of asking questions to help the advice seeker explore their options. Questions like “What do you think your alternatives are?” can help them think it through better than “Here’s what you should do,” he says.
Paquet agrees. The strategy can lead the person to open their eyes to additional angles or perspectives, but, she adds, “the choices have to appeal to them, to resonate with them.”
“I’m not the one to talk to’
Before giving advice, Chhinzer says it’s important to self-assess. Do you have the qualifications to provide meaningful advice. If not, she says, redirect the person to someone who knows.
Paquet agrees. Too often, she says, we give advice in situations where it’s not appropriate. “We often think we know more than we actually do,” she says. “We don’t know what we don’t know.”
Tips for seeking advice
Farm family coach Elaine Froese says it’s time to end the myth that accepting advice is a sign of weakness. Her advice is succinct: “You don’t have to do it alone.”
The advisors consulted for this story say that when you do seek serious advice, ensure the advisor you pick has a history of professional experience or education that makes them qualified.
Be clear on what you are looking for from the person you are seeking advice from and why, says Dr. Moira Somers, a neuropsychologist and executive coach in Winnipeg.
Be prepared with a list of questions, as specific as you can get.
Use your voice, says Somers. “Ask questions. Seek clarification of jargon or difficult concepts.”
Also try asking the advisor to explain things in different ways, suggests Froese.
If you can, establish a relationship and set up regular followup meetings with the professional, says advisor Pam Paquet. “You’re going to have better conversations the second time. It also creates accountability. There’s going to be a little bit of pressure… You’ll need to be able to tell this person that you followed through.”
And be aware that tough questions may be part of the process. Be prepared to talk about what stands in the way of following through on the advice you’re being offered, says Somers. “This creates an opportunity for the advice-giver to pivot and find another way to offer support.”
Handling unwanted advice
So, someone is giving you unwanted advice. What do you do?
That depends on the situation, says wellness coach Elizabeth Scott. “If it’s a well-meaning friend who really wants to help you find a solution, you can acknowledge the support and then decide on your own if you want to take the advice or not.”
If that well-meaning friend or an associate repeatedly offers the same advice, Scott suggests gently drawing a boundary. Say something like “I really appreciate your wanting to help but that won’t work for me.” Then let them know the kind of support that would help, such as an opportunity to sound off.
If the advice is coming from someone who has made it clear they don’t respect your choices or if you have already drawn a boundary they aren’t respecting, Scott says you can be more direct.
Using a neutral tone, say something like “I know you’re trying to be helpful, but we’ve talked about this and that plan isn’t going to work for me.”
Then make sure you drop the subject too.
