Being a good listener is harder than it sounds. And some of the ways we respond to others prevent us from being present and truly connecting with them. Active listening is a high-value risk management tool, partly because listening is such a big part of conflict resolution. The good news? With practice, you can learn to be a good listener, too.
– April Stewart, Associate Editor.
Relax. Nobody always hears what they’re told. It’s just that some people — especially bosses and employees, it seems — make it a habit, which means we miss out on a lot of great input and also that we can be terrifically frustrating to live and work with.
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In business, that’s trouble and it means our efficiency, reliability and profitability all take a hit.
Worse, we probably aren’t even aware of it, says Chilliwack, B.C. psychologist and performance management coach, Pam Paquet.
“We don’t realize that, even though we think we’re listening to another person, we are actually formulating our response,” Paquet says.
Never been there? Or never started walking away before the person you’re talking to has finished? Never checked your phone while they’re talking?
It turns out we all have some learning to do, Paquet says, who says she knows one thing everybody needs to keep constantly in mind: “Deep listening is harder than we think.”
Getting it right is vital on the farm, says Lydia Carpenter, a mediator, farm family coach and farmer in Belmont, Man., and it’s only growing in importance as farming gets more complex and high stakes.
Based on her experience working with farms, Carpenter says when people feel heard, whether it’s family members, employees or any of the other people farmers deal with every day, they feel more confident and less anxious, and they’ll deliver more value.
And the negatives go down too. With better communication, there are fewer misunderstandings, there’s less conflict, and there’s much less time wasted.
“By building trust through improved listening, there is a better space to address those hard things,” says Carpenter.
It doesn’t mean you have to get warm and cuddly, which is a misunderstanding we have that stems from our not having learned the right ways to listen in the first place.
“Listening to understand instead of listening to respond is a significant mind shift,” says Carpenter. “They may not appreciate the power of being heard until they start practising it themselves.”
Yes, it really matters
To farm family coaches like Carpenter, active listening is a high-value risk management tool, partly because listening is such a big part of conflict resolution.
Plus, improved listening skills will not only enhance communication and reduce tension among farm team members, Carpenter says our personal relationships with spouses, children, friends and neighbours will also benefit.
Fortunately, while being a better listener is not easy, it is a fundamental skill that can be learned and improved through practice. Carpenter herself practices the deep listening techniques outlined in Marshall Rosenberg’s best-selling book, Nonviolent Communication.
Rosenberg explains that when listening, our focus should be on “receiving the message with empathy rather than hearing to respond.” Empathy is defined as “a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.”
In his book, Rosenberg describes some of the ways we respond to others that prevent us from being present and truly connecting with them.
Do you catch yourself over-using these verbal setups?
- Advising (“I think you should…” or “How come you didn’t…)
- One-upping (“That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”)
- Educating (“This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just…”)
- Storytelling (“That reminds me of the time…”)
- Shutting down (“Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”)
- Sympathizing (“Oh, you poor thing…”)
- Correcting (“That’s not how it happened.”)
Tips for better listening
Being a good listener is harder than it sounds but you can get better at it with practice, says psychologist Pam Paquet.
It starts with giving the person you are listening to 100 per cent of your attention, she says. And, yes, that definitely means you don’t check your phone while someone else is talking to you. That’s never!
There’s a crucial second step, says farm family coach Lydia Carpenter. That’s to be intentional about it. “Listening is a conscious activity,” she emphasizes. “Decide that you are going to listen.”
Kriz Cruzado, a mediator with Mediation Services, a non-profit organization in Winnipeg, recommends setting yourself up for listening success by mentally preparing for difficult conversations. Go into them with the intention of understanding the other person’s point of view and not trying to win the person over to your side.
“This takes the pressure off so you will be more relaxed,” Cruzado says.
Then, listen and watch for what the body is saying and not saying through tone, facial expressions, posture and gestures, adds Cruzado.
Also keep checking to see if you are listening to understand or if you are listening to respond, suggests Carpenter. “If listening to understand, you will have followup questions. If you’re listening to respond, you are formulating your response while the other person is still talking.”
Give verbal and facial cues that show you are listening, says Paquet. Say “uh-huh” or “I’m hearing you,” or nod your head, etc.
Paraphrase what you’ve heard, adds Carpenter. Yes, some of us have trouble repeating what we’ve heard. If that’s you, she suggests listening for key words, noting that this will come more naturally with practice.
Make notes, says Paquet. “There’s lots to hear and remember. Write it down.”
Referring to your notes can help you formulate your response, continues Paquet. She recommends pausing before replying so you can think about your response.
If it’s an important conversation, it may even be helpful to say “give me a minute to sort through my thoughts.” Or you can grab a glass of water or go to the washroom to take a break before responding.
But don’t wait for those crucial conversations before you put your new-found listening abilities to the test, says Carpenter. Instead, practise them in everyday situations so that it’s not as hard to remember how to draw on them during those emotionally charged conversations.
Because it’s easier to practice deep listening when everyone around you is also doing it, Carpenter advises having conversations in the workplace or other situations about active listening. “Make it clear that listening is something to work on and the intention is to get better at it.”
Mediation or leadership training that focuses on building active listening skills can be helpful for developing listening skills too.
“Give yourself the grace to learn something new,” says Carpenter. “You don’t have to be perfect. Even having the intention to listen will result in a shift.”
Resources
Nonviolent Communication, book by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD (2015). This best-selling book demonstrates how to “speak, think and listen in ways that inspire compassion and understanding” and “break patterns of thinking that lead to stress, depression, guilt and shame.”
Kriz Cruzado says listening skills are foundational in Mediation Services’ courses such as Dealing with Difficult People and Building a Respectful Workplace (offered in-person and online).
– This article was originally published in the Oct. 3, 2023 issue of Country Guide.
