It seems surprising to meet entrepreneurs who manage millions of dollars and make so many important decisions, but for some reason become very vulnerable when it’s time to express what they want, their limits and their wishes. Why is it so hard to be assertive?
“The employee is always late. Sometimes he doesn’t come to work and my husband never talks to him about the problem,” Martha told me. “He accepts a situation that is very unfair to the other employees. We argue about this. I don’t know why he can’t stand up as a boss.”
Read Also
Ground rules for farm family communications
Establishing meeting ground rules can help your family find ways to communicate that work for your farm. Here are some…
Often we can’t be assertive because of our fears. We are afraid of displeasing others and of losing their love. We are afraid of reprisals. He could shun me, yell at me, be insulted or judge me. With employees, we are afraid of creating conflict, that they will be demotivated, that they could leave or that we will lose their respect.
Sometimes we assume that the people around us should know what we’ve got on our minds.
“I’ve had enough. He doesn’t respect me anymore,” a client I’ll call Julie told me.
“Did you make it clear to him what you wanted?” I asked.
“He should know, we’ve been together for more than 20 years.”
Well, maybe he doesn’t know. It’s up to you to set clear limits.
Being assertive means being an adult. Isn’t it a little naive to think that everyone loves you or agrees with you? It’s true that if you assert yourself, you run the risk of being judged, shunned or criticized. So what? You can be judged even if you don’t assert yourself. Even worse, you will feel frustrated, lose self-esteem and feel like life is passing you by.
Because we’re human, we try to avoid discomfort. We want to avoid conflict in the short term, but this means we create more problems in the long run.
I have met many leaders who feel the need to be liked more than anything else. They can’t stand the idea that some people don’t like them. But if you are one of those people who try to make others like you by always saying “yes,” you can be sure that their love is very self-serving.
But beware. Being assertive doesn’t mean crushing or scorning someone else or being egotistical. Asserting yourself like an adult means being able to express your ideas, expectations and limits, and respecting those of others. Assertiveness lies between passivity and aggression.
Some hints about being assertive:
- Establish your limits (what is acceptable, desirable and unacceptable) and let those around you know what you expect (roles, responsibilities).
- Always give yourself a little time to consider a request. We often tend to say yes in the spur of the moment and sometimes regret it afterward.
- Give yourself the right to change your mind; when you realize that you were wrong, say so.
- Don’t justify yourself. The more you add, the more others will try to prove you wrong.
Before getting upset with others because they don’t respect you, make sure you have been clear about what you expect. If, after having been clear, the other person doesn’t take what you say into consideration, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship. It is probably a poor, immature relationship. In cases like this, it is only a matter of time before it self-destructs, unless the passive member is resigned to this kind of life.
To have successful interpersonal relationships, it is essential that you be able to assert oneself in an adult way, while taking the other person into consideration.
Passive
- Doesn’t express needs, expectations, dissatisfaction.
- Is not responsible for problems, rarely gets what he wants, avoids rejection, causes and is party to very few conflicts.
- Is exploited, frustrations accumulate, does not meet his needs.
Assertive
- Expresses needs, expectations and desires yet is considerate of others.
- Doesn’t always get what he wants.
- Has good self-esteem, develops good relationships, is responsible and in control of his life.
Aggressive
- Expresses and claims his rights, needs, expectations and desires and does not consider those of others.
- Almost always gets what he wants.
- Inspires mistrust and hate in others, becomes paranoid, has very few relationships.
