Even the most business-minded farmers see their work as also a way of life, not just a job. But this somehow gets put on the backburner when it’s time to make some of the farm’s most important decisions.
When it comes to succession planning, for instance, the temptation is to simply hope the logistics of life with two or three generations on the farm will work themselves out. Yet even the most economically sound farm is doomed if families aren’t content with their daily lives.
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The arrival of a daughter-in-law can be the tipping point, for good or bad.
For a view from the front lines, I talked to a network of contacts to get their take on how they’re integrating farm and family life. I’ve changed their names in the following (you’ll see why) but I haven’t changed the basic facts.
Farm life is different. Farmers tend to live where they work and do a lot of their business at the dining room table, so farm succession involves not only passing on the farmyard and often the farmhouse, but also the head office. The house is the business centre where the decisions are made… and everybody wants a voice in the decisions.
Sometimes, succession includes building a second (or third) house in the yard, so the younger family can live closer to the action. Or the parents might stay in the farmyard while the next generation commutes out from town.
Each scenario has pros and cons, and every farm and every family is unique. But if there’s one lesson that my contacts wanted me to pass along, it’s that it’s worth taking time to think about your family’s particular situation and to make it part of your succession plan. Wouldn’t it be nice to think that not only have you set the next generation on the road to success, but you can still have Christmas dinner together too?
“I’m not digging up my tomatoes!”
Jenna and her husband moved into her in-laws’ house on the farm as part of their succession plan. The parents moved to town. That’s what happened for Shelly too. But that’s where the similarities end.
When Jenna tells other farm wives about her experience, their jaws drop. “My mother-in-law moved out every last thing that belonged to her, then hired a professional cleaner to make sure the house I was moving into was as pristine as a house in the city,” Jenna says.
By making sure that Jenna could start out with a clean slate, Jenna’s mother-in-law bought herself some long-term goodwill that was surely worth more than the cost of the cleaning service.
By contrast, Shelly’s mother-in-law left quite a few things behind. “We won’t need them in town,” the mother-in-law said. “Maybe Shelly can use them someday.”
When Shelly lugged in her boxes on moving day, she found the basement shelves full of old canning jars. There were floral curtains hanging in the living room, and even paintings still up on the walls.
Would her mother-in-law be offended if she decided to redecorate? Shelly wondered. How long would she have to keep those canning jars?
Things came to a head that summer when Shelly’s mother-in-law came to the farm to pick up a lawn ornament she’d left behind. Shelly, not being a fan of cement-cast deer, had used it as filler in a giant plant pot. “You’ll have to wait for fall,” she told her mother-in-law. “I’m not digging up my tomatoes for that!”
Although Jenna and Shelly’s mothers-in-law meant well, Jenna’s mother-in-law’s advance thoughtfulness simplified Jenna’s life and started their relationship off on an easy footing.
For a displaced farm wife who has lived in the same yard for 30 years or more, it can be a real challenge to watch another woman move into your kitchen, your garden and your life. But it’s also true that every new farm wife deserves a chance to organize her own house and do things her own way. This includes redecorating.
Whi le Jenna’s mother took a friendly interest in Jenna’s new paint and furniture, Shelly’s mother was disappointed when Shelly wanted to renovate the kitchen. Shelly says, “it’s not that I thought there was anything wrong with the wallpaper. I just want to make my kitchen feel like my own space.”
“Is the coffee pot on?”
When the next generation takes over the farm, arguments about colour schemes aren’t the only potential conflict. Farmers rarely retire in one fell swoop. They come back to help with harvest. With seeding. Calving. Fixing that hitch on the tractor.
Even though the new family on the farm appreciates experienced, friendly help, the logistics can get awkward. First, unless your farm is close to town, Dad needs to be fed. Many a new farm wife finds herself setting a place at the dinner table for her father-in-law far more often than she’d expected. Any hope she had that meal time could be a time to make family plans suddenly evaporates.
While Dad is helping out in the shop, Mom is sitting at home alone in the new house in town, finding herself left out of discussions about the farm business, maybe for the first time. The temptation to ride along on a trip out to the farm will be strong, especially if there are cute grandchildren to be pinched.
But picture the new farm wife, settling into the new-to-her house, planning her garden and hearing the inevitable opening of the door. “Bill’s out in the shop, dear. Do you mind if I come in for some coffee?”
One way to help ease this transition is to set up regular “visitations” from the outset. Jenna’s mother-in-law had a standing invitation to visit the farm every Sunday. This gave her some certainty that she would see lots of the grandchildren, and gave Jenna the feeling that the house and yard were her own.
Of course Jenna’s mother-in-law also came to the farm on other days of the week, but only when she was invited or there was a special occasion.
Then, there are the holidays. Shelly hadn’t realized that taking over the family farmhouse meant taking over the turkey roaster. When her husband’s siblings and their families come “home” for Thanksgiving supper, she worried that they might expect her to use the same old salad bowl they’d grown up with, and dreaded the moment when they found out she’d repainted their old bedrooms.
“But all my husband’s siblings were great with the change,” she said, relieved. A family that makes a concerted effort to adjust graciously to a new set of tableware and different coloured walls will have a more pleasant reunion. If that’s not going to happen, it might be easier to take the turkey to town.
“I want seeing them to be fun”
These days, when city kids go to Grandma’s house, they have to be driven, often many miles. On the farm, it can be easy to let them run through the trees for a warm cookie.
Lori tries her best not to take advantage of the free babysitting in such close proximity. “I don’t want my mother-in-law to think of looking after the kids as a job. I want seeing them to be fun for her.”
It’s important to strike a balance between making sure the kids get to know Grandma, and taking advantage of Grandma’s good nature.
“I wouldn’t normally phone”
It was almost 11:00 at night when Tracy’s phone started ringing. “I wouldn’t normally phone so late,” her mother-in- law said, “but I could see your living room lights were still on.”
Was anything wrong? her mother-in-law wanted to know. Tracy wanted to say, “YES THERE IS,” but bit her tongue.
Besides, Tracy was a bit disconcerted. “You mean, my mother-in-law knew exactly when we go to bed, and maybe even exactly what I’m wearing then too?”
On another farm, Jane lived down the road from her mother-in-law. “Every time I saw her, she’d want to discuss how much gas I was using, driving off for coffee with my girlfriend.” Eventually, Jane resorted to taking the dirt road behind the bins so she could get to the highway without going past her mother-in- law’s house.
It wasn’t so good for the car, Jane admits, “but it was better for my sanity.”
The moral of the story, sometimes it’s better to pretend you didn’t see what you just saw.
Meanwhile, it’s becoming more common for next-generation farmers to live in town and commute out to the farm. This can be handy when the farm is far from a school, when the new farm wife has a job in town, or when the older generation is not yet ready to leave the farmyard.
For new wives, three things are especially attractive about this, namely privacy, privacy, and privacy. However, as with any new situation, there are still some details that can trip you up, especially if the daughter-in-law always feels she’s an outsider, not just on the farm, but in the family too.
“Am I expected to roto-till the trees?”
Often the older generation isn’t quite ready to move to town when their son takes on more of the farm responsibilities. In this case, lots of farm families opt to build a second house on the farm.
There are all kinds of positive aspects to this choice. Mom doesn’t need to leave her home. The new farm wife can start fresh with a kitchen that’s never been organized by her mother-in-law.
Even so, there are lots of potential landmines. A son taking over the farm knows what to expect from his parents. But for a new farm wife, the in-laws’ day-today habits and assumptions can be as foreign as a trip to Mongolia.
Pre-move family discussions about some simple points can help ensure that everyone in the family has the same expectations. There are no right or wrong answers, but it’s helpful if everyone that will be living in the yard has similar answers. Or, at least realizes that there are questions.
Sometimes, it’s the simplest questions that cause the most upset. For instance, who is going to look after the yard? On TV sit-coms, this is usually the father’s territory but on many farms, responsibility for the lawn, the trees and the gardening is shared or falls to the women.
Is the new daughter-in-law expected to rototill the trees? If so, does she know that? Will the new woman on the farm have her own garden patch, share the one that’s been used for years, or will she chose not to garden at all?
It doesn’t matter who’s doing what, as long as every-one’s open about their preferences and their expectations.
Finding your way home
Of course these crises don’t all happen to all families, and each farm family will find its own way. For instance, my parents and brother have all moved to the city and commute to the farm. My husband’s parents stay in a trailer on our farm when they’re helping with seeding and harvest.
The only thing that all farm families have in common is that talking through potential problems with the in-laws at the beginning of the transfer can eliminate a lot of hurt feelings.
Even for families who find such talks about as appealing as shoveling out a flat-bottom grain bin, there is value in at least thinking about potential issues before they fester into problems.
Farm families will be living and working together for a long time. Almost as long as Shelly’s going to be storing those old canning jars in her basement.CG
