The countryside isn’t immune to the trendlines in divorce. Recently I was at a party chatting with another farm couple when the subject of divorce came up. They told me they knew eight farm couples in their area who are in the process of splitting up. I was shocked, but as I talk to more and more people, and as I do some of my own counting, I get the feeling that they may not be as far off the average as I had always assumed… or at least hoped.
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Ground rules for farm family communications
Establishing meeting ground rules can help your family find ways to communicate that work for your farm. Here are some…
The farming life comes with its own set of marital stressors. Unpredictable weather and fluctuating market are right up there, of course, but so is operating a business that includes parents, siblings, children and other family members on top of all the usual stuff that husbands and wives have to deal with.
This isn’t at bottom a money issue. It’s a marital one. But of course on the farm we have to recognize that it is a money issue too, says Don McCannell of McCannell Financial Group Ltd. in Saskatoon.
Besides the obvious emotional turmoil that comes with divorce, most people underestimate the financial pain of divorcing. “The cost of lawyers, spousal support, child support, selling the family cottage… if more people knew what was involved they might have hung in longer,” muses McCannell.
Hung in longer? Presumably when most people say “I do” they intend to make a lifelong commitment. So what goes wrong in so many marriages?
John Henderson, a registered marriage and family therapist in Oakville, Ont. says he sees two common patterns when it comes to marital break-up. The first group are those who divorce after four to seven years. Mainly, they break up due to conflict.
The truth is, it doesn’t seem to matter what the source of the conflict is. It’s more about how a couple deals with the conflict, or in some cases how it doesn’t deal with it, that matters.
The second critical stage is around the 20-year mark, says Henderson. After the kids have left home, the couple finds they have grown apart and they no longer know how to reconnect with one another.
In her work as a farm family coach, Elaine Froese of Boissevain, Man. sees another trouble spot for farm couples. After 40 or 50 years of marriage, the wives want to enjoy a life away from the farm but their husbands won’t retire. A lot of these women are saying, “I’m outta here.”
So what can we do to keep our marriages strong? Even those who consider themselves happily married will usually admit there is some room for improvement.
There are several key issues that many couples face. Kelly Brushett, a registered marriage and family therapist in Halifax, says one of the reasons couples grow apart is that they don’t prioritize their relationship. They’re too busy doing everything else that needs to be done — working, raising the kids, being involved in the community — and they don’t make time to nurture their relationship.
Brushett encourages couples to plan ahead for time together. This could be one or two date nights per month, or if that’s not possible, carve out smaller amounts of time, she says.
Froese agrees with Brushett. She says many farmers spend more time checking their cattle than the “state of their union.”
Or some women are so busy with the kids that their husbands feel they don’t count. Brushett recommends couples have a regular date night. “You need to remember how to have fun together as a couple, and leave your parenting role at home for a while.”
Froese and her husband have taken sailing lessons, gone skating, hiking, and camping, watched a sunset over a lake, and taken moonlit walks in the dead of winter. “While dinner and a movie are old hat, some women would be thrilled by the chance for a night out when they don’t have to cook,” says Froese. She recommends each spouse take turns coming up with ideas.
After years of being together, the early passion wears off and couples tend to take each other for granted. To overcome this problem, Brushett recommends couples practise what she calls mindful consideration. Write notes, do small favours, take a walk, snuggle, or try a new activity together such as taking a dance class, she suggests.
“Make gratitude your attitude and give loving affirmations,” Henderson adds. “Let your partner know that you appreciate the things he or she does and show you care through touch, eye contact and walking hand in hand.”
For example, if your partner got up at 5 a.m. to milk the cows while you were sick, and still got the kids breakfast and out to the school bus on time, be sure to do something nice for her when you recover, Henderson notes.
It’s also important to balance the various aspects of our lives. Too often people are paying attention to everything else but not looking after themselves. “If you don’t look after yourself, how can you be helpful to others?” asks Brushett. To drive home her point, she uses the metaphor of the airplane safety instructions. The air flight attendant tells the passengers to put on their own oxygen mask before putting one on their child. Brushett explains, “Cultivating our own interests enriches our individuality and our relational togetherness. It can make us more intriguing to our partners and creates a healthy balance.”
Another challenge in long-term relationships is that people change. Roles change too, so expectations need to change as well.
“Partners need to communicate openly about how they’ve changed, how their needs have changed and about their hopes and dreams for the future,” says Brushett. “Too many times people fail to communicate, so they make assumptions instead… they disengage and turn away from the relationship to other activities and people.”
It’s also important to watch how you communicate. Avoid harsh, cutting comments, hostile name calling, needing to be right all the time and saying whatever comes to your mind without filtering your thoughts first, stresses Henderson.
And use humour, he says. A little humour can lighten the mood and ease tension. Henderson says communication requires really listening to your partner. “Put the newspaper down and give your undivided attention when your spouse is trying to tell you something,” he says.
The ability to communicate is a key ingredient in successful marriages, agrees Elizabeth Campbell Huss of Baden, Ont., a retired marriage and family therapist who is celebrating 50 years of marriage this year. She shares 26 stories of marriages that lasted more than 30 years in her book, Love that Lasts: Personal Stories of Lasting Marriage. “Being able to share thoughts and feelings, to hear what your partner has to say, and to be fair to them… those are really essential,” Campbell Huss says.
The good news is that couples who have grown apart can rekindle their warmth if they try. With the right attitude, even an affair can be overcome, says Henderson. Brushett agrees. She has seen amazing results if couples have the attitude that “I really want to do this and am willing to work on it instead of throwing it away.”
“Commitment is a necessary ingredient to hold the relationship together while emotional repairs are being made,” agrees Campbell Huss.
While there is much that couples can do on their own, if couples become stuck an objective counsellor can help couples resolve conflicts and rebuild their emotional bond. Those marrying for the second time especially benefit from four or five counselling sessions early on, says Henderson. To find a qualified counsellor, go to the Registry of Marriage and Family Canada at www.marriageandfamily.ca.
“Love at first sight is easy to understand, it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle,” said comedian Sam Levenson. Well, maybe it’s not a miracle. Maybe it just take some effort! CG