By Amy Gallo
Harvard Business Review Press
Farming is seldom a solo venture. Not only do the older and the younger generations overlap but as farms get bigger and more complex, more employees get hired too, so learning to work with others is essential.
Negative relationships are bad for business. We know this, but there’s still a hard truth. Not everyone is easy to get along with.
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In her book, Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People), workplace expert and Harvard Business Review podcast host Amy Gallo points out that unhealthy work relationships undermine our sense of trust and make us question our competence.
Science also tells us they dampen creative thinking because, Gallo writes, stress causes a “rapid and dramatic loss of prefrontal cognitive abilities.”
On top of that, just having one difficult person (whether it’s an employee or you, the boss) can ruin an entire team and scare away your best talent.
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If you’ve ever wondered what’s lurking behind someone’s attitude, or if you simply can’t grin and bear their behaviour any longer, this book offers advice on how to find a path forward.
First, it’s important to identify why you should put effort into this, says Gallo. “We’re not the only ones who suffer when we don’t have positive relationships,” Gallo says. “Our organizations do, too.”
Then get real. Recognize your colleague is unlikely to transform into a different person. Instead, it’s important to build a strategy based on the problem.
Gallo has identified eight archetypes. Let’s look at a few.
The Pessimist: You know the type. They make you say, “If only I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard them say, ‘This will never work!’” These Negative Neds and Nellies are notorious for wearing people down: they never seem to have anything positive to say. But Gallo says their pessimism is more than just a “pathological insistence that the sky is falling.” Instead, negativity gives them a sense of control, and it could actually be healthy. They’re trying to prevent things from going wrong. Yes, they’re risk averse, Gallo says, but often they’re the members on your team who are more thorough, accurate, who more carefully consider issues.
Yes, there can be a more negative side too. It can be all about control, or a pessimist may feel they need to work harder at standing out or at getting treated seriously, so if you work with such a person, try reframing their cynicism by valuing the balance they bring. “They can helpfully point out the risks many of us — especially optimists — tend to miss,” says Gallo. “They encourage caution … we need dissenting voices to check our assumptions.”
The Know-It-All: These people have a my-way-or-the-highway attitude. They “monopolize conversations, talk over others, refuse to listen or heed criticism or feedback, explain things others already understand, (and) speak in condescending tones.” (Mansplaining falls into this category.) Gallo says that organizational or regional culture, power, or insecurity could be factors contributing to this behaviour.
Unfortunately, when a boss or colleague talks down to someone, “it can affect how you’re treated,” writes Gallo. “When someone talks down to you, especially in front of others, it calls your expertise into question and may give others permission to disregard your insights.” Gallo suggests tactfully addressing interruptions. For example, say, “I’m going to finish what I have to say, and then I’d love to hear what you have to say.” You can also pre-emptively set team norms that create a culture “in which everyone feels empowered to … stand up for others when a know-it-all tries to take centre stage,” Gallo says.
The Insecure Boss: Gallo writes “insecure managers wreak a particular kind of havoc. They can be notorious micromanagers …attempting to control everything about a team or project … requiring that every decision and detail have their approval.” She says this type of leader is typically subject to self-doubt and that the “discrepancy between how confident or capable leaders actually feel and the high expectations that come with their role results in what’s called ‘ego-defensiveness’, where leaders engage in actions to protect their self-esteem or justify their actions.”
If a boss’s insecurity is causing problems, make sure you’re not deliberately triggering it. Signal that you’re not a threat by reminding them that you’re there to help them achieve their goals. Remind yourself of the pressure they’re under and practice empathy.
The Passive-Aggressive: Passive-aggressive people use “indirect methods to express (their) thoughts and feelings” (as quoted from Gabrielle Adams, professor, University of Virginia, in Gallo’s book) to avoid saying what they’re actually feeling or, sometimes, to make someone feel guilty or wrong.
“It’s a reaction, and it’s often driven by the fear of failure or rejection, a desire to avoid conflict, or a drive to gain power,” Gallo says, and she suggests focusing on what they’re really trying to say rather than the delivery method. She also cautions against accusing them of passive-aggressive behaviour because it will make it worse.
In sum, Gallo says that if you understand what’s behind a person’s problematic behaviour and if you respond productively, you will experience better results than if you try to diagnose people or add fuel to the fire. Control the controllables, emotionally disengage (i.e. care less), and/or accept the situation.
“We can’t get along with everyone,” says Gallo. “And while you assume the best of someone, they may not reciprocate. (My mantra is) sometimes people are going to be mad at you … and that’s okay.”
