The concept called the “generation gap” might not have become a buzzphrase until the ’60s, but undoubtedly there have been generational differences as long as there has been history. So why should today be any different?
In fact, however, today may be exactly that — different. With the current speed of cultural and technological change, the generation gap may be wider and more damaging than ever.
Or, it could be wider and better than ever, depending on your perspective and your flexibility.
While we usually see these generational differences as a bad thing, that doesn’t have to be the case, asserts Jim Soldan, a farm business adviser in Chilliwack, BC. “Generational differences within the family farm can be hugely positive or hugely negative. It all depends on how you approach it,” says Soldan.
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It helps to know what you’re looking for. Most important, what are the trigger points for intergenerational conflict? Uncertainty is a huge issue, points out Elaine Froese, a farm family coach in Boissevain, Man. and co-author of the book: Farming’s in-Law Factor — How to Have more Harmony and Less Conflict on Family Farms.
If there is clarity about expectations, agreement as to how things should unfold, and a commitment to act, there will be a lot less conflict, says Froese.
There are other stumbling blocks that Froese sees again and again on the farms where she’s been called in to help sort things out.
Sometimes, the founder’s inability to let go of the reins impedes the transfer of ownership to the younger generation, says Froese. After spending a lifetime building up the farm, the owner may be afraid to retire, she explains.
Unfortunately this leaves the younger generation hanging, wondering when they will get more responsibility and a chance to build up their equity.
Today’s young generation has been told essentially from birth that they need to get ahead, and if they don’t feel they are making progress, Froese says, they are going to go elsewhere.
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“It can be very frustrating for young, educated people joining a farm team if their education, off-farm work experience or training isn’t recognized or valued by older members of the farm team,” Froese explains.
The younger generation really wants to put their stamp on the farm operation, agrees Lynne Lancaster author of The M-Factor: How the Millennial Generation is Rocking the Workplace. Too often the older generation’s response is to balk at change. It would be more productive to listen to the younger generation’s ideas and try to find a way to incorporate some of them into the farm operation, she says.
Likewise, it can be equally frustrating for older family members when their kids come back to farm with them but don’t value the wisdom their elders have gained from years of farming, says Froese.
Young people may not even recognize how important this issue can become. Leaving a legacy is really important for the older generation, agrees Lancaster. She advises the younger generation to talk to the older generation about their vision and to really listen to them.
Sometimes the senior generation is slow to transfer ownership out of the fear that if the succeeding generation divorces, it will impact negatively on the farm. While it’s important to consult a lawyer to ensure that the proper legal paperwork is in place, Froese encourages families to focus instead on ways to help strengthen the marriages of farm owners. This also applies to the marriage of the senior generation, which may also be at risk, she adds.
Other times, the senior generation may be waiting for the younger generation to marry, not recognizing a common-law relationship. “The senior generation has no choice but to express their ‘displeasure’ in the only way they know how,” says Soldan. “They are trying to protect family wealth as best as they know how.”
His advice to the younger generation in this situation is to have an attitude change. “With marriage, there is at least some confidence that the knot tied may be more difficult to untie than if the relationship is merely common law,” he says while also recognizing that formalized marriages come apart too.
Froese agrees that a wedding “speaks to the commitment in a relationship.” We have few norms or rituals for acknowledging common-law relationships, which can make it awkward for others, she continues. However, in her book, Froese quotes Gloria Call Horsley who uses the term “unofficial in-laws” to describe one’s relationship to the parents of one’s common-law partner.
Another area of conflict that springs up regularly between the generations is work-life balance, says Froese. Younger generations want time for family and for personal renewal, she says. They may not be as willing to sacrifice their personal lives for the sake of the farm as the previous generations.
Lancaster agrees, but she adds that sometimes the older generation is too quick to judge the younger generation as lazy. The younger generation really wants to find a way to be more efficient so they can still have time for their families.
Lancaster believes it would be better for families to sit down and discuss their goals and answer the question, “Can we work smarter?”
Sometimes, too, the younger generation is perceived as being less loyal, hopping from job to job. However, Candace Laing, a human resources professional in Saskatoon says that this generation has learned to manage their own careers because organizations no longer offer lifetime security.
“They have had to look for growth opportunities to develop their skills and ensure they are employable.” She continues, “Retention and loyalty are possible, they just likely won’t be sustained by non-existent job security and pension but rather by purposeful work and engagement.”
Things may be different on the farm. But remember, these are your sons’ and daughters’ friends, and their attitudes help shape your children’s values.
Meanwhile, for the parents, it can be good to recognize your opportunities to build bridges. For instance, while generational differences often lead to conflict, technology is one area where the senior generation can take advantage of the expertise of the younger generation.
“They’re used to being our coaches,” says Lancaster. “They’ve been doing it since they were kids.” And while the younger generation seems to think there’s an app to solve every problem, there may be places where technology really can improve the bot- tom line of the farm operation.
So, in a nutshell, what’s the secret when it comes to defusing generational conflict?
It’s communication, our experts all agree. Generational differences become a problem when there’s been a lack of dialogue, say Soldan. Each person on the farm team needs to share their needs, wants and where they’re coming from.
He recommends the farm family team meet regularly and develop a Code of Conduct that governs how team members will interact. For example, all members may agree to listen attentively, and that there will be no “eye rolling.” Team members should also maintain a positive attitude: “we’re in this together and we need to help each other.”
If every farm put the same energy into the farm team as they put into deciding what tractor to buy, farm businesses and farm families would be in much better shape, says Soldan. “People spend hours talking to the tractor salesman but not to other family members.”
Froese agrees. Farmers are spending a lot of money on technology but are overlooking communication, she says.
Soldan advises farm families to seek professional help if needed. He uses a toothache analogy. “If you had a toothache you’d call a professional,” he points out. This is no different, he says.
Unfortunately, too often our response to conflict is to not have the difficult conversations. However, avoiding talking about the issues only makes the situation worse, stresses Froese. Problems do not go away by themselves.
Eight easy steps to shooting yourself in the foot when dealing with in-law conflict
(From Elaine Froese, farm family coach and co- author of Farming’s in-Law Factor)
- Triangulate and Gossip: refuse to speak to the person or persons you’re in conflict with. Instead, complain to everyone else in the community and expect the key parts of the message to be magically leaked to the key players. expect at least half of the message to be lost or misconstrued in the transfer of information.
- Stonewall: refuse to deal with the problem and interfere with others’ attempts to do so. the simplest way to do this is to hang up the phone or get up and leave the room any time the topic is mentioned.
- Try to control others and their actions. If persuasion doesn’t work, look to various oppressive dictators from around the world for other inspiring methods.
- Be judgmental about everything they do or say. Nitpick at every little detail. Always attack the person, their actions, their ideas, their morals, their family, and even their choice of footwear and hairstyle, if need be.
- Hold firm to your position, no matter what anyone else says, no matter how ridiculous your position is.
- Complain incessantly about the situation, but do nothing to change it. be insistent that it is ALL someone else’s fault and that you are a completely innocent bystander.
- Hold a grudge. Forever. even if it wasn’t a big deal. Slip references to the incident into conversation occasionally just to keep the wound fresh, but avoid having a serious conversation about what happened (see #2 Stonewall).
- Insist that everyone in the family do everything your way or else pout, sulk, or throw child-like tantrums until they do.
This article was originally published as “Too young, too old” in the September 2014 issue of Country Guide
