I have a tech-savvy neighbour, Sully, who jets across the continent every week advising corporate moguls about social media in the Age of Information. Quite frequently, Sully and his gorgeous young wife Sophie take a drive up the Petunia Valley Sideroad (which we affectionately refer to as the off-ramp of the information highway) and join us for dinner.
Sully hails from New Jersey and he knows a lot more about how the wired urban world ticks than me or anyone else in Petunia Valley for that matter. Just the other night, we were tucking into a delicious crown roast of pork when Sully put down his knife and fork and sighed in wonderment.
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“This is fantastic!” he whispered. “Sophie, have you ever tasted anything like it?” He raised a glass in my direction. “Once again, my host, you are ahead of the curve. I salute you!”
Cooking pork is serious business for me. I have raised my own pigs for the freezer since childhood but I’m not sure I could claim to be ahead of any curve plotted in the last half-century, at least not the ones Sully follows.
“But that’s where you are mistaken,” said Sully. “You know what ranked as the most popular Google search in Canada last year?”
“I don’t know. Pippa Middleton?”
“She certainly came close but no, what most people wanted to know was how to cook a roast of pork. How Canadian is that? You are riding the crest of the wave my boy, and if people knew pork could taste like this, they would beat a path to your door.”
I feel a lot of pressure strapped to the front of the train like this. No one has ever come up the Petunia Valley Sideroad looking for groundbreaking, game-changing inspiration. Sully is telling me that I could be staring down the next big opportunity for wealth beyond the dreams of avarice.
But of course, it would never work. I am steeped in the selfless tradition of rural Canada and instead of packaging the idea for YouTube and PayPal, I just hand away the secret to anyone who asks… for free. How Canadian is that?
So if you’re interested, and Google says millions of you are, here is my never-fail recipe for the perfect roast of pork. I’m sorry it doesn’t quite fit into a Twitter feed, but nothing perfect ever does.
Step One: You need two or three Hampshire-Landrace crossbred weaner pigs. Put them in the orchard in June at six weeks of age and feed them a ration of 60 per cent rolled barley, 20 per cent oats and 20 per cent field peas. Not too much. Just give them what they’ll clean up in 15 minutes and let them graze until dark and feed them again. Let them romp and root in the orchard until late September and finish them on windfall Cortland apples…
“Whoa,” cried Sully. “You’re way ahead of me now. How do I do this on my Blackberry from an airport lounge in Delaware in time for dinner?”
All right, then. You can also start with Step Two. (If you choose to skip Step One you are now working on merely a “pretty good” pork roast.) Go to the supermarket and get a three-pound pork loin roast with the rib-bones still in. Don’t just tear the plastic off and bang it in the oven. Pat it dry with a paper towel and let the meat come up to room temperature. French the rib bones back to the body of the roast, that is, strip the fat from the bones. Cover the roast with a paste of ground figs, sweet onions, cider and balsamic vinegar and a tablespoon of brown sugar.
Place it in a cast-iron Dutch oven uncovered and bake at 350 F for one hour and 45 minutes or just until the internal temperature of the roast hits 170 F. Then remove it from the oven, place the lid on the pan and let it stand for a good half hour. (This draws all the juices back into the meat and leaves you time to pour the ladies a glass of prosecco and mix Sully a martini.) Carve the roast in pork-chop sized pieces and serve.
So there you go. I will be content with the thanks of a grateful nation.
